Category:

PROLOGUE

Whoever said "a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step" had obviously never hiked The Narrows. Thigh-deep in icy river water, Darby cursed her life, cursed her ex-husband, cursed the person (probably a man) who had designed the waterproof hiking boots that were rubbing her heels raw. But mostly, she cursed herself for thinking that this trip would be the cure-all, the aha moment, the thing that brought her back to herself after seven long years wasted on a man incapable of emotional maturity. Seven long, fertile years, waiting for a man who wasn't "quite ready" to have a baby, thinking every January that maybe this would be the year he'd change his mind, that if she just showed him pictures of her best friend's adorable twins or babysat her niece one more time, he'd see the light...stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid Darby.

"Slot canyon ahead," the guide called back, and a titter went through the little group she'd been buddied up with at the outfitters when she'd booked the hike. This was something her ex had always wanted to do, but she was the one with the better job and the savings account, so while he was shacking up with some other successful woman he wouldn't impregnate, she was taking the trip of his dreams.

"Hope it's wider than the last one," muttered Jo, a forty-something woman with purple hair twisted up in a ponytail. She was with a friend; "mom friends," they'd called each other when they'd introduced themselves, and Darby had tried not to wince at the phrase.

Her mother had warned her. Two weeks before the wedding, as they were packing up the gifts from her bridal shower and making a list of who gave what for the thank-you notes, her mother had turned to her and said, "You know, if he doesn't want a baby now, he's probably never going to want one."

Darby had paused in the middle of writing KitchenAid and stared at her mom. "You don't know that."

And her mother had just given her a soft, worrying look, the same look she had on her face on the wedding day, the same look she had when, seven years later, Darby had told her, over dinner, that she and Jack were splitting up.

"You'll do fine," Jo's friend reassured her. "You're braver than you know."

Darby wished she were brave. She stuck to the middle of the group, not wanting to get caught in anyone's conversation. She didn't want to explain she was here out of revenge and spite and a desperate need to find herself again after feeling lost for so long. The last few years of her marriage, her head had felt fuzzy, like she'd had a hive of bees between her ears that were constantly interrupting her thoughts with their buzzing. It was never quiet in her head, not until Jack moved out, and then it was too quiet.

They crested over a small rise and the water level dropped down to her ankles. After a few steps, one of her poles got caught between two river stones. She tugged at it, the cold, clear water sloshing against her legs. One of the men in the group stopped beside her. "Here, let me help."

"That's okay—"

He yanked her pole out of its jam without waiting for her permission and smiled kindly at her before rejoining his girlfriend. Darby exhaled hard. She could've done it herself if she'd had the chance. The rest of the group passed her while she took a pull of water from her CamelBak, hiding her face so they couldn't see the red in her cheeks.

The guide, Hal, looked back and stopped too. "Great idea, Darby. Let's all take a short rest and drink some water."

"How 'bout some vodka?" Jo said.

"Hey, I have no jurisdiction over what's in your Hydro Flask," Hal said, and laughed. "But I sure wouldn't want to sidle through a slot canyon with anything but a clear head."

"Don't worry, I'm waiting for the hotel bar tonight," Jo said. The Narrows was a sixteen-mile trek, but their group was only going eight miles—four out and four back. By the time they got back to the hotel, just outside the park entrance, Darby didn't think she'd want to do anything but collapse into her bed and sleep well into the next day.

Overhead, a hawk circled and let out a single cry of longing that echoed across the canyon. Darby tilted her head back and bathed her face in the bright blue sky, the streaming sunlight. The red canyon walls rose up all around them,  smooth and jagged all at once and impossibly wild. It was another world, ruled by nature, dwarfing the little group of seven tiny, unimportant human beings who dared come into its realm. Darby breathed in deep, a tickle behind her eyes. It had been a long time since she'd been awestruck by something. Awe wasn't something she felt in her everyday life.

Maybe this trip wasn't such a waste after all.